Chapter 1: So it begins

Your childhood is supposed to be happy and loving, full of people that care about you and keep you safe. Sadly my childhood wasn't like that at all. You may thought I looked happy, but on the inside, I was drowning in sadness and hurt. Hurt from my own parents, sadness from those who took advantage of me as a child growing up. No child should ever experience anxiety and depression and I, at the age of six began feeling so much of it.

My mom died when I was six years old. She was an alcoholic and didn't want to be the mom she should have been to me. She drank when she was pregnant with me causing me to have fetal alcohol syndrome. It's condition that happens when a mom drinks thoughout her pregnancy causing damage and deformaties in babies. It caused my arms to not function as a normal persons arm does. The doctors tried surgery to correct it as much as possible. It was no use. I have learned to live with the way my arms are and how to work with them.

I can remember many times where my mom was sleeping on the couch and didn't want to pay any attention to me at all. I was sad and felt so alone. I have a dad and two brothers. My dad worked all the time so he never cared what was going on in the house ever. He was never the dad that would spend any time with me except for my brothers. He would spend alot of time with them. I don't know what it was about me that he never wanted me around. It was heartbreaking and sad. He would spend his time at the track or gambling or playing cards with his friends. He was so negative towards everything I did. Many nights I spent crying all night because I would wonder why I even existed.

As a little girl, going to the doctor was scary, I can remember going while my mom was IN THE ROOM and this doctor would put his hand down in my pants which seemed like forever that he would keep it there. I would just stare at the ceiling until he was through with his "examination". It kept up even when my dad's girlfriend took me to the doctor. I never said anything to anyone because you know, "keep quiet and don't say anything". The dentist was very different. He was verbally abusive to me every time I got my teeth cleaned all because I was scared. Yet, he is supposed to be one that specialized in children. He told me every time I sat in that chair to SHUT UP! Again, never said anything to anybody. I felt so guilty for not saying anything. No one wanted to listen to me anyways. No one cared what I had to say. A popular man that went to all the bars messed with me. I told someone about that one. But, because he was "disabled", he didn't know what he was doing. He never got in to trouble for what he did to me. I was mad, sad and so angry.

I couldn't understand why all of this was happening to me. Why did I deserve to be treated like an object on the shelf than a human being. I was lost and so alone growing up. It wasn't fair that I had to go through these things. These horrible, nasty things. I felt like I was dying inside. I felt like pulling my insides out because I was puking after crying so much from so much hurt and pain.

I had a journal that I wrote into growing up and I named her Red. It was a red spiral notebook that i kept all of my secrets in that no one knew about. I kept her hidden where no one could find it. I looked forward to going after school and writing in there about what my day was like. Every sad feeling I told her about because no one else would listen to me. I felt good knowing that a journal could keep my secrets safe. It was nice to have a "friend" to keep my secrets safe.

I did have a few people that cared about me. My aunt and uncle, and a grandma and grandpa that loved me and wanted me around. They made me feel like I at least existed and that I am a human being with feelings.